Love happens only once, and I would know that. Because now that I’m older and wiser than before, I realise that it never was love.. until you came along. Earlier it was only a way to fill, to compensate for my emptiness.
But with you, all I know is that I will not leave, and I will love without wanting, and I will be patient - even if it means that you might belong to someone else if destiny doesn’t work how we want it to. Because for the first time in my life, I am in love - not to fill my emptiness, but for the sole reason of giving, of loving.
It is love for the first time in 19 years. And if I’m lucky, you’ll be the first and only.
1:15 pm • 11 March 2014
Not even my roommate knows how deep I’m drowning. It’s become so much more easier to put up a facade all the time, pretending I’m okay, pretending that I’m strong when I know I’m not. And it’s so much harder when I know what I have to do to pull myself through this.. but I’m so tired of having to pull through all the time.
But how do I do that when I can’t even connect with anyone any more? And I’ve been okay for a while, but I miss you. You broke down every wall I had built surrounding me, and with you I was entirely myself. I miss what we had. I miss how I could truly be myself with you - without any fear, without any anxiety.
I miss you so much.
2:14 pm • 19 February 2014 • 1 note
Currently listening to The Weeknd and smoking my lungs out. Also whipping my hair back and forth because it’s been growing and it’s so soft and smooth right now!!
9:26 pm • 16 February 2014 • 2 notes
I haven’t written in weeks. But all I have to say is that life has a funny way of turning things around. I am happy for what you have taught me in the few months that passed.
7:06 am • 11 February 2014
How dare he ask that question? I don’t know how the fuck he could even DARE to ask such a question. He thinks he can go as he pleases, come back as he pleases, do as he pleases? He thinks we don’t understand? It’s been a year.. and this is how he decides to come back? How dare he even think he’d get a yes. How dare he.
I am FURIOUS right now. I am so furious that even caps lock cannot express it. Does he realise the hurt he puts upon all of us even though he hides it under the guise of “I only want the best for you both”? I am SICK of this situation. How could he even dare to ask so? No - I will not say yes to you.
2:01 pm • 18 January 2014
These past two weeks have been a mental drain. Can’t wait to finish by tomorrow. Honestly want to just crawl into a hole and be there for years.
5:48 pm • 16 January 2014
I guess that’s what got me too addicted to wanting to get up for Fajr, you know. It’s that moment when I’m on the mat making du’a, and slowly the room gets brighter with the sun rising outside. It’s a surreal feeling, something nothing else matches up to. There’s hesitation in getting up from bed, but the moment I am up, all I want to do is just be thankful. There’s so much happiness in the world, and it’s a shame we only look for it in the bigger things. The other day I told my dad I wake up for Fajr so I have enough time to get ready too (because we were both whining about having to go to work/ college with winter mornings), and he said, “You wake up for Fajr?!” He sounded like he had never been proud of me ever before than in that moment. I said “Yeah”, because it didn’t matter to me, because all I’m doing is be a Muslim - someone I should have been long back. There are so many favours that have been granted to us, and we are always so ungrateful, always just taking and never giving. But funny enough, we think we are giving back to God when we pray (I used to think so too), but prayer also only takes away every negativity and gives positivity. Everything is in our benefit - in my benefit.
I keep being afraid that if I speak too much, I’ll lose my ability to feel. So I never speak of such experiences to anyone but myself. Because there was something about Fajr today - it was more than surreal. And I need to keep that with me always.
6:59 am • 14 January 2014
I am putting my whole life in Khuda’s Hands. Please keep my soul, my heart and my faith safe.
1:58 am • 12 January 2014
"I resolve to.." "I promise this year I will.." "I swear, I swear this year I will.."
Useless resolutions, promises and swears. This year, I don’t know what I want for myself (perhaps be more kind, more forgiving, more sociable, more focused - but this is all secondary), because honestly what I wish happens this year is that you come back to us (it’s almost been a year - please come back), and that my parents find some peace, some comfort in this life from all the years of toil, that my brothers achieve their dreams in ways that will do them good, that this family be bound by unconditional love and support, and that my parents can one day walk without this heavy weight on their shoulders that’s been there since years.
Also, Khuda, please give me the strength to start attending college from tomorrow. You know better than I that my attendance is screwed (so are my grades).
8:04 pm • 1 January 2014
I am such an emotional wreck right now.
6:19 pm • 29 December 2013